Going Nowhere Fast: A Pointless Fanfic
by morphius
Summary: The Inuyasha gang suffers at the hands of an evil authoress. COMPLETE! First fic. Please READ AND REVIEW! Rated PG-13 for language.
1. Chapter One: Meet Morphius, Ruler of All

**Going Nowhere Fast: A Pointless Fanfic**  
By Morphius 

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Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Inuyasha characters, ok? Rumiko Takahashi does. However, even if I was to leave this out, and Rumiko Takahashi were to sue me for every cent I got, she'd get four dollars. And that's before the lawyers take their cuts. Also there are a lot of Matrix references. Kudos to the Wachowski Bros. The Matrix rules. Or the first one does anyway. That's the only one I've seen so far. Yeah. 

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Oh, and +blah+ = voice from above that belongs to the author. Enjoy! 

**Chapter 1: Meet Morphius! Ruler of all!**

Inuyasha, Kagome, Miroku, Sango, and even Shippo, the kawaii kitsune, were lying unconscious in the middle of an open field. They just got their asses kicked. By what, even I, the author, have no clue. Actually, I know perfectly well what it is; I just don't want to tell you. So, nyeah! But they must have been seriously ass kicking to kick the asses of Inuyasha and Co. Ok, going to stop saying ass kickin. . . gah! I did it again. Any who, our friends were just regaining consciousness. . . 

Inuyasha: *confused* Who the hell said that? 

+Uh. . . oh crap. It appears our friends got up while I was talking to you. Stupid fans! I shall drag you all into the depths of hell!+ 

Kikyo: Hey! That's my line! 

+Oh shove it, you zombie bitch! Remember, I CONTROL YOU! Ahem. And Kikyo disappeared.+ 

Kikyo: *fading* Curse you, Morphius! 

+Well, at least she's gone. But now I have to worry about Inuyasha and the gang, who have just been beat and looking to maim someone to make themselves feel better.+ 

Sango: How did we get beat so bad?  
Kagome: *shrugs*  
Inuyasha: Let's go maim someone!   
Shippo: Yay! Death. . . 

+That was weird, hearing that from Shippo.+ 

Miroku: *rubbing head* Who's that weird dude with the booming voice? 

+I'm the author, you moron. I control everything that goes on in your miserable lives.+ 

Sango: Even that last fight? 

+Why yes. You got your asses kicked because I deemed it so.+ 

Sango: *wielding hiraikotsu in a very threatening matter, even to me* Why you. . . 

+Tut tut, Sango. You shouldn't mess with me.+ 

Sango: *raising eyebrow* Oh, really? And why is that? 

+Oh my. An unbeliever. Well, Sango, I have no choice but to make you experience my power firsthand. Ahem. Suddenly, Sango grabbed Miroku and their lips locked in a long sweet passionate kiss.+ This went on for about a minute until the demon exterminator released the monk and proceeded to throw up behind a bush. 

Sango: *very green* Why? Why?  
Miroku: *grinning like the idiot he is* Wow! I love this god! (AN: They say 'god' cuz they're from Feudal Japan and likely don't know what a 'demented fanfiction author' is) 

+Thank you. See, Miroku has the idea. You cannot mess with me, so accept your fate, and if you're lucky, I may not kill you.+ 

Shippo: *gulps* Kill. . . me. . . 

+Don't worry Shippo-chan. You are far too kawaii for me to kill ^_^.+ 

Shippo: That means I can do anything I want! He he he. 

+Uh, no. No one would get too angry if I were to _torture_ the kawaii kitsune.+ 

Shippo: *going very pale* Uh oh.  
Inuyasha: Feh. Like some weirdo like you could stop me.

+I could and very easily. But, since we are pressed for time, I guess I should give this a plot.+ 

Inuyasha: Plot? Screw the plot! I'll kill you, you psycho freak! 

+Don't make me laugh. I'd like to see you try.+ 

Inuyasha: Fine then! I will! Let's go!  
Kagome: Uh. . . Inuyasha.  
Inuyasha: What?  
Miroku: Do you even know where this god is?  
Inuyasha: Uh. . . well. . . so what! I'll find him all the same!

+No you won't.+ 

Inuyasha: Yes I will. 

+Will not.+ 

Inuyasha: Will too. 

+Will not.+ 

Inuyasha: Will too. 

+Will not.+ 

Inuyasha: Will too. 

+Will not.+ 

Inuyasha: Will. . . ugh! 

Inuyasha was cut off as a large boulder fell on top of him. 

+I win. So, moving on. I was about to give this fanfic a plot. Hmmm, now what would make a good plot? Hmmmm. Hmmmmm. Hmmmmmm. Hmmmmmmmmm.+ 

Shippo: WILL YOU STOP THAT? 

+Whoa. What are you smoking, Shippo-chan? No matter. I don't care what personality alerting narcotics are affecting your judgment. Keep it up and I will have no choice but to kill you.+ 

Shippo: *folding arms across chest* Whatcha gonna do? I _am_ the kawaii kitsune. 

Inuyasha: *still under boulder* Shut your trap if you don't want to die! 

+Oh, that's right. I forgot you were still under there. Silly me. *boulder vanishes*. Now, to answer your question Shippo, there are many people I could have randomly appear to torture you. Sesshomaru, Naraku, Kagura, the Thunder Brothers. . .+ 

Shippo: Ha! They're dead! Like I'd fall for such a stupid trick!   
Sango: He's got a point.  
Miroku: True. But bear in mind, we are talking about a god here.

+Sadly, Shippo is right. Even I, in all my power, couldn't get the Thunder Brothers to come back. . .+ 

Shippo: Ha! Told ya so! I knew. . . 

Shippo is cut off as a blue lightning bolt strikes him. 

+But I did manage to get Hiten.+ 

The gang looks up to see Hiten, alive as ever, and wielding the ever so lethal Raigekijin. 

Kagome: Uh oh.  
Hiten: Take that, puny fox tyke! *notices Inuyasha* Well well well. If it ain't that worthless half breed Inuyasha. . .

+If it ain't, then this wouldn't be a very good Inuyasha fanfic, now would it?+ 

Hiten: *glares up at the sky, but wisely decides not to say anything* As I was saying before I was interrupted, say your prayers, Inuyasha! For I will kill you once and for all! *lunges at Inuyasha* 

+No you won't.+ 

Hiten: *stops in midair and turns around* And why is that? 

+Because, if I let you kill Inuyasha now, then the fanfic is over. And I've yet to give this a plot.+ 

Hiten: Screw the plot!   
Inuyasha: That's what I said!   
Hiten: Hey shut up!   
Inuyasha: *drawing Tetsusaiga* I'll shut _you_ up! Again.

+Ok, break it up. As we went over in your contract, Hiten, your job is to torture opposition to me, not kill.+ 

Hiten: But. . . but. . . but 

+However, should Inuyasha do anything to piss me off, and trust me, he will, you'll be the first one to know.+ 

Hiten: I'll get you later, half-breed. *flies off* *flies back* Wait a minute! Morphius. . . 

+Yes?+ 

Hiten: Since when do I have a contract? 

+Since forever. Look.+ *poorly written piece of notebook paper falls from sky* 

Hiten: *grabs contract* I, Hiten, forever promise to serve my lord and master Morphius. My job is to torture BUT NOT KILL the characters of the Inuyasha gang that anger my lord and master as my lord and master sees fit. Hiten. 

+Well, now that that's said and done. . .+ 

Hiten: Wait! This is that autograph you asked me for last week! For some dying relative! You just filled in the other stuff! 

+That's what you get for signing without reading first. Isn't that something they teach all TV stars?+ 

Hiten: *vein throbbing* Grrrrr. . . 

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You like? Good. Cuz I won't put up the next chapter until I get a review. Just one. That's all I'm asking for. That's not unreasonable, is it? 


	2. Chapter Two: Disrespect for the judicia...

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Here's the next chapter, even though I got NO reviews. I'm just hoping that something went horribly wrong and no one saw it. Or maybe I desperately want people to read this since I have 3 stories after this one and if no one likes this one, my life has been a waste. I don't own Inuyasha or any future Matrix references. 

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Chapter 2: Disrespect for the judicial system! Morphius kills lawyers! 

+Face it Hiten. I own you.+ 

Rumiko Takahashi's lawyers: Excuse me, Morphius. Did you just claim ownership to Hiten®, sole property of Rumiko Takahashi? 

+No. Wait! I. . . uh. . . uh. . . read the disclaimer! I already said. . . *sigh*. . . Take the four dollars you bloodthirsty leeches! *throws wallet into the sunset*+ 

Lawyers chase after wallet. 

+Damn lawyers. . . hang on! I'm the author! I don't have to pay greedy lawyers! And Kikyo came and dragged them all into the depths of Hell, where they belong!+ 

Rumiko Takahashi's lawyers: No!! 

+There. *retrieves nearly empty wallet* Now Kikyo has company and maybe she'll stop trying to drag Inuyasha into the depths of Hell.+ 

Inuyasha: Feh. You wish! Chicks dig me! She'll never stop!   
Kouga: *appearing in tornado thingy that he does* Oh yeah? Well as you know, dog turd, chicks dig me a lot more!  
Inuyasha: In your dreams! I know Kikyo loves me more than she'd every love you!  
Kagome: *vein throbbing* Grrrrr. Sit boy! 

Inuyasha plummets to the ground 

Kouga: Take that! *puts arm around Kagome* So you see, my love, I am far better than that worthless half-demon. So why don't you just admit your true feelings for me and get on with it? 

A bolt of lightning from Hiten's Raigekijin strikes Kouga. Kouga shakes off the ash and runs away. 

Hiten: *eyes Inuyasha hungrily* Can I? 

+No.+ 

Hiten: *the best sad puppy face I've ever seen, even compared to some of the ones I've done* Pretty please? 

+Maybe later.+ 

Hiten flies away. 

Kagome: Thank you. 

+No problem. I'm all for the good of humanity.+ 

Shippo: Yeah right! And Miroku's not a pervert. 

The kitsune is whapped repeatedly by a certain monk. 

+Shippo-chan?+ 

Shippo: Yes? 

+Do you really want me to bring back Hiten?+ 

Shippo grows pale and shuts up. 

+That's better. Well, as you may remember, a while back, we had talk of a plot.+ 

Inuyasha: What's a plot?   
Myouga: A plot is the story or sequence of events in a narrated or presented work such as a novel, play, or movie, milord.  
Inuyasha: Where the hell did you come from?   
Myouga: Uh  
Miroku: And your definition really sounds like you read it straight out of a dictionary.   
Myouga: *hides tiny dictionary in vest* Uh. . . *zips away*   
Sango: He's gone!   
Inuyasha: Yeah, little. . . wait. Where have you been?   
Sango: I've been here the whole time. 

+Yes, she has. I've just been neglecting her.+ 

Shippo: That's not very nice. 

+Whoever said I was nice?+ 

Shippo: Yeah, good point. 

+But sadly, as much fun as that was, I must get this story moving. And suddenly. . . 

A middle school kid appears out of nowhere. 

Inuyasha: Suddenly what?!?! Come on! I wanna know! *notices girl* Hey, who the fuck are you? 

+Jess, what the hell are you doing here?+ 

Miroku: You know this girl, Morphius? 

+Of course I do, you piece of crap. She's my little sister.+ 

Jess: *hands on hips* Yeah. Oh, Morphius, Mom wants you to go downstairs and eat dinner. And you're grounded for two weeks. She sorta "found" that test you failed. 

+YOU TOLD HER? YOU LITTLE. . .! I'LL KILL YOU!! 

Sango: Wait. Throughout this entire story, we've been living in fear of a kid? 

Jess: In fear of *laughs* Wow, you did good. 

+Shut up!+ 

Jess: Yeah yeah. So, here's a picture of your Supreme Leader Morphius *whips out horrible 3rd grade picture and hands it to Miroku* 

+I thought I burned that!+ 

Jess: You thought wrong. *suddenly noticed Inuyasha* OH MY GOD! It's Inuyasha! You're so hot! *grabs Inuyasha and hugs him*   
Inuyasha: *eyes wide* Uhhh. . .   
Miroku: *laughing, tears in his eyes* This picture. . . it's awful! *hands it to Sango and continues laughing* 

Sango and Kagome both look at the picture and burst out laughing. 

Shippo *jumping up and down* Let me see it!! 

Suddenly the picture catches fire and burns until it is nothing but ash. 

+And I guess that's that. Moving on. . .+ 

Jess: *finally getting off Inuyasha* I made a copy. *gives it to Inuyasha* Here you are, my love.  
Inuyasha: *eyes still wide* Uh. . . thanks. *glances at picture and bursts out laughing* 

+Now that you've ruined my life, sister dear, how 'bout you leave so I can get back to my fanfic? Now listen up. . .+ 

Inuyasha: Sure, we'll listen to you. . . NOT! *continues laughing, rolling around on the ground, tears in his eyes* 

+Go for it, Hiten.+ 

Hiten, who has been waiting in a tree for Inuyasha to screw up like this, jumps out of the shadows and hits Inuyasha with all the power the Raigekijin can muster. 

+Not that much Hiten. I want him to feel every minute of this. So just enough that he remains conscious.+ 

Hiten: You got it!   
Inuyasha: *screaming in agony* Make it stop! For the love of all that is holy, make it stop!

+What's that? I can't hear you. I have decided to read the dictionary from A-Z. Maybe when I finish, I'll have him stop.+ 

Inuyasha: NO!!!  
Jess: Come on, I'm really sorry. . . Supreme Lord and Master Morphius. Just don't do this to Inuyasha! 

+Very well. Just a little more Hiten.+ 

Jess: Why? 

+Because he made fun of me, duh. *whistles and files nails* Ok, that's good.+ 

Hiten: *lowering Raigekijin* That was a lot of fun! Thanks Morphius! 

+You're welcome. Now, could you please shock Jess for me? Not enough to kill her though.+ 

Hiten: No problem. *aims Raigekijin at Jess*   
Jess: Uh oh. *gets electrocuted for about 10 seconds* 

+That's good Hiten.+ 

Hiten flies away. 

Jess: Ow.   
Inuyasha: *whapping Jess on head* Shut up, stupid! You got ten seconds, I got five minutes!   
Jess: . . .   
Miroku: This doesn't seem right.  
Inuyasha: Yeah, getting electrocuted doesn't seem morally just.   
Miroku: That's not what I mean.  
Sango: Then what do you mean?  
Miroku: We've haven't run into the usual bad guys.  
Shippo: Maybe we should count our blessings.   
Kagome: But, still, it's kinda unnerving. Like we're being lulled into a false sense of security.   
Jess: Shippo is right. Morphius is the only one you really have to worry about.   
Sango: What about Kagura? Naraku? Sesshomaru?   
Jess: *burst out laughing* Sesshomaru? What a fem boy! Honestly, he's such a sissy. With his stupid eye shadow and fruity kimono. 

Unbeknownst to her, Sesshomaru and Jaken have just arrived on the two-headed dragon demon thingy behind her and have heard Jess's entire rant. Jess takes no notice. 

Jess: *in high pitched tone much different from her normal gruff voice using the stereotypical Sesshomaru lisp* I'm Thethoumaru-thama. I think I'm tho great. I think I'll go wath my hair with thome Herbal Ethentheth. 

Everyone notices Sesshomaru and hint Jess to shut up. Except for Inuyasha, who is rolling on the ground with laughter. However, those of the Inuyasha gang with fully developed brains were nervously twitching to try and get her to shut her yap. But to no avail. Sesshomaru ran his Toxic Flower Claw through her. Jess choked for a bit and fell over dead. 

+Yay! No. Oh crap! She's dead! My mom'll kill me! Damn it. But no one heard any of that because I said so. So it is written, so it shall be.+ 

Sesshomaru: Foolish human. Mocking me like that. And what is this Herbal Essences she spoke of?  
Kagome: *pulling yellow bottle out of bag* This is Herbal Essences.   
Jaken: Gimme that! *grabs bottle and opens it* Mmmm. Smells good. Can you eat it? *chugs bottle and spits it out* Ewww! *chokes and falls over dead*   
Kagome: Did I mention it was toxic? He he he. ^_^

Everyone cheers, especially Rin, who appears from behind Sesshomaru. 

Rin: Jaken gone! Yay!  
Sesshomaru: *mildly surprised* Rin? *sighs* It doesn't matter. I will still crush you once and for all, Inuyasha!

+I think not.+ 

Sesshomaru: *smirks* Oh really. Why is that? 

+Because you killed my sister. And normally, I would openly rejoice at this. But now, thanks to you, I will probably be grounded until the day I die. So why don't you just leave before you cause any more damage?+ 

Sesshomaru: And why should I listen to you? 

Hiten flies in and shocks Sesshomaru before flying away again. 

Sesshomaru: *shakes off the ash and mutters obscenities which I kindly disregarded * Come, Rin. 

They get on the two-headed dragon and take off. 

Inuyasha: Well, that was quick.  
Shippo: Kinda nice for a change.   
Miroku: Yeah, but. . . Kagome: But what?  
Miroku: It's rather boring when Morphius slays all of our opponents for us.  
Sango: He's right. Where's the fun in that?   
Inuyasha: Yeah. *yelling at the sky* Hey Morphius, if you're so tough, why don't you come down here and face us yourself, you pathetic coward? 

+As you wish.+ 

A flash of blue lightning illuminates the sky and the Supreme Lord and Master Morphius appears before them. She's actually a teenage girl with shoulder length dark brown hair and brown/green eyes, wearing a grey t-shirt with dragons on it, tan cargo pants, and black combat boots. 

Inuyasha: Huh?   
Sango: Morphius is a. . .   
Kagome: Girl?  
Morphius: Uh, yeah. Couldn't you tell?   
Shippo: Not from that picture your sister had. *sees glare from Morphius and shuts up*   
Miroku: *taking Morphius's hand* Morphius, since you are a really, really gorgeous girl, would you be willing to bear my child? 

The only response Miroku gets for that is a good taste of Morphius' boot. Miroku goes flying and lands in a tree. 

Kagome: Go Morphius!  
Sango: . . .  
Morphius: Apparently, you're still mad about my forcing you to kiss him at the beginning of the fanfic, are you not?  
Sango: *face turns slight shade of green as she recollects the incident* Uh yeah. . .  
Morphius: Well, I had to prove my awesome power. And I know you like him.  
Sango: O_O I. . . Of course I don't!   
Morphius: *flat unbelieving stare* Sure.   
Miroku: *still in tree* Don't deny it Sango! You know you love me!

Sango throws the hiraikotsu. It hits Miroku, knocking him out of the tree and into a raging river that just so happened to be underneath it. 

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Morphius: Review, damn it, review! Hell, even if you thought it sucked! Something, anything. Flames willbe used to roast Jaken! Ciao!! 


	3. Chapter Three: Catastrophe! Inuyasha Bat...

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So, if you're still reading, thanks so very much. If you're tempted to stop, don't worry, it gets funnier. Commence chapter! *********************************************************************** 

Chapter 3: Catastrophe! Inuyasha battles Morphius and Shippo is lost! 

Myouga: Shouldn't someone go get him?  
Morphius: Don't worry. He'll be fine.  
Kagome: Myouga, where did you come from?  
Myouga: Uh. . .   
Inuyasha: Don't matter to me. *draws Tetsusaiga and points it at Morphius* The only thing I want is revenge!   
Morphius: *looking sweet and innocent* Whatever do you mean, Inuyasha?  
Inuyasha: Don't be stupid!  
Morphius: No, that's _your_ specialty, is it not?   
Inuyasha: *vein throbbing* Quit it. I want to get even with you for shocking me so bad! *Inuyasha crackles with electricity *  
Morphius: Very well, I'll fight you. And I will win.   
Inuyasha: Yeah. In your dreams.  
Morphius: Well, what are you waiting for?   
Inuyasha: . . .   
Morphius: If I didn't know better, I'd say you were scared.   
Inuyasha: Feh. You wish. I've just never met anyone who was so eager to die.  
Morphius: Likewise.   
Inuyasha: What did you just call me?   
Myouga: No Lord Inuyasha, she said likewise, a word used to state that the same applies in a second or subsequent case.   
Inuyasha: *looking dumber that normal* What?  
Myouga: *sigh* It means that what you just said about Morphius applies to you as well. Get it?  
Inuyasha: No, but I'll pretend I do.   
Miroku: *dripping wet* Ha, I knew it! *grabs Myouga's tiny dictionary* You've been using this all along!   
Myouga: Uh. . . *zips away*  
Miroku: *scanning tiny book* Jackpot! This is all the info Myouga ever gives us. We don't need him anymore!  
Shippo: Lemme see that! *knocks Miroku and tiny book into river* Oops. Sorry.  
Inuyasha: Will y'all shut up? Me and her were gonna fight!  
Morphius: Yeah, we were. *snaps fingers*  
Inuyasha: *snickers* What's the matter? Need your minion to fight for you?

Hiten flies in. 

Hiten: What's up Morphius? Want me to punish Inuyasha?  
Morphius: That's not what I needed, but go ahead. Just a little.

Hiten shocks Inuyasha for about a second. 

Morphius: That's good. Now, could I borrow the Raigekijin?  
Hiten: Hell no!   
Morphius: *sad puppy face, even better than Hiten's* Pwease? It's to beat Inuyasha.  
Hiten: Oh. . . ok. *tosses Raigekijin to Morphius*   
Morphius: Thanks. Now then, Inuyasha, let's go!

Inuyasha charges at Morphius. She dodges and hits Inuyasha square in the stomach with the Raigekijin. He flies back and hits a tree. Slowly, Inuyasha gets to his feet and stands on wobbly knees, barely able to remain standing. 

Morphius: *aiming Raigekijin for another attack* Is that all you got? That's pretty pathetic. I thought you'd be able to last a little longer, since you are Inuyasha. You have your own show, but you can't beat me. *shaking head* So sad.  
Inuyasha: *still shaking* I'll never lose to the likes of you!

Inuyasha charges everyone's favorite author. Morphius, once again, dodges the assault and hits him with a finishing blow, which throws our favorite half-demon back against the tree, where he slides down, unconscious.

Hiten: *landing and poking Inuyasha* Damn woman. You did quite a number on him.  
Shippo: *laughing* Yeah she did better against him than you did.  
Morphius: *tossing the Raigekijin back to Hiten* Knock yourself out. 

Morphius turns around as Hiten does his stuff. When she turns back around, Shippo is dead, black and charred on the ground. 

Morphius: I think you went a little too far Hiten.   
Hiten: *lowering Raigekijin* What? Little brat pissed me off.

NO!! SHIPPO- CHAN!!! 

Yet another middle school girl runs in. Weeping, she runs and hugs the charred-but-still-very-kawaii kitsune. Upon being hugged, Shippo's body crumbles into a pile of dust. 

Girl: No!!!!!   
Inuyasha: *slowly coming to* Who the hell is she?  
Morphius: Liz, what the hell are you doing in my fanfic?  
Liz: *stops weeping* You wrote me in, duh.  
Morphius: Oh, yeah. So, what's up?  
Liz: Well, I was looking for Jess.   
Everyone: *sweat drop* Uh. . .   
Liz: Well. Where is she?   
Kagome: Well you see, Liz…  
Morphius: *pointing* She's right over there.

Liz runs and finds Jess's mangled corpse on the ground next to Jaken's. 

Liz: What did you do? What the hell did you do to Jess?  
Morphius: I didn't do anything. It was all Sesshomaru.   
Inuyasha: True, but you did sic him on her.  
Morphius: Sit boy!

Inuyasha plummets to the ground. 

Kagome: *eyes wide* Whoa! You can do that?  
Morphius: Uh, yeah.  
Sango: But. . . how?  
Morphius: Actually, I can't do it with just "Sit" like Kagome can. After, I said that, I typed "Inuyasha plummets to the ground" which is what made him fall over like that.  
Kagome: Cool. . .   
Inuyasha: *getting up and rubbing head* No, not cool.  
Sango: Wait. Where did that girl go?

Everyone turns to see Liz with Miroku, who, as I anticipated, has found his way out of that raging river. Again. They hide behind a tree to eavesdrop on their conversation. 

Miroku: You know you're a really gorgeous girl. So I was wondering if you'd be willing to. . .  
Morphius: Ahem.   
Miroku: Hey Morphius. How the hell are ya?   
Morphius: Oh Hiten. . . 

Hiten shocks Miroku for about 30 seconds. But since the perverted monk was just previously thrown into the river and water conducts electricity, the effects were much more devastating. Miroku was engulfed in a massive explosion of blue lightning and now our favorite lecher lays unconscious on the edge of a massive crater where he had just been standing. 

Miroku: . . .  
Liz: That was pretty mean, Morphius. Miroku just said I look nice and that he wanted to ask me something.  
Morphius: You gotta watch the show more.  
Liz: Guess you're right. But what about Jess?  
Morphius: I could bring her back to life, but. . .   
Kagome: But what?  
Morphius: Well, you see, she makes my life a living hell. What you're asking me to do would be like me asking you to bring Naraku back to life.  
Miroku: *bolting upright and looking around frantically, nearly suffering from a heart attack* Naraku? Where?  
Sango: He's not here. *hesitantly gives Miroku a quick hug*

Miroku ruins this brief but rather intimate moment by grabbing Sango's ass. 

Sango: *hitting him over the head with the hiraikotsu* You pervert!  
Morphius: Actually, you hugged him.  
Sango: Grrrrr. . .   
Morphius: Temper temper. Don't forget Sango. Even though I'm here in the flesh, I am still in control of the story. Now then, about bringing Jess and Shippo back to life. . .  
Liz: Will you? Please?  
Morphius: Oh, all right. *snaps fingers and Jess and Shippo rematerialize in front of them*  
Liz: Shippo-chan! *hugs Shippo*  
Jess: What am I? Chopped liver? *remembers vegetarianism* Ewww! Liver! Get it away! Get it away!  
Inuyasha: Is she insane?  
Morphius: What do you think?  
Miroku: *stroking chin* Well, since she isn't mentally sound, perhaps she won't be so opposed to my pick up line. . .  
Kagome, Sango, Jess and Liz: *hitting Miroku* You pervert!  
Miroku: *rubbing head, sighs* At least Morphius didn't join in.

Hiten passes the Raigekijin to Morphius, who shocks the living daylights out of Miroku. 

Morphius: Gee, thanks for reminding me.   
Miroku: . . . 

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KEEP REVIEWING!!! All reviewers will get. . . uh. . . not killed by Morphius. Good deal, no? 


	4. Chapter Four: The madness ensues! Shipp...

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Standard disclaimer applies! Read on!!! 

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Chapter 4: The madness ensues! Shippo scarred for life! 

Inuyasha: Now what?   
Morphius: As the author, I should probably know that, shouldn't I? ^_^  
Kagome: Yeah you should.  
Morphius: However, if you check the title, this is Going Nowhere Fast: A Pointless Fanfic.  
Sango: Yeah. So?  
Morphius: As in there is no plot, so therefore, I write random crap and you have to deal with it.   
Liz: Then write some crap that we have to deal with!!  
Shippo: Or don't.  
Morphius: You forget, Liz, that I am the author. You do not boss me around. I boss you around. Got it?  
Liz: Yeah, yeah. I got it.   
Morphius: *chuckling* Well, Liz, I honestly don't think your puny brain can comprehend the extent of my power in my realm and in my story. *aims Raigekijin at Liz and gives her a quick jolt* Now maybe you'll understand better.  
Liz: . . .  
Miroku: *pointing at Morphius* You're insane! I have no idea why I ever liked you! 

Sango grabbed Miroku and they kissed for the second time in this fanfic. This hot love fest went on for about two minutes, but then Sango appeared nauseous and about to throw up while still kissing Miroku and Morphius stopped them to keep things from getting really disgusting. 

Morphius: That's why.  
Miroku: *grinning like an idiot* Oh. Could you remind me again, please? 

Morphius was about to seriously injure Miroku when Hiten came flying in. 

Hiten: Morphius?   
Morphius: Yes?  
Hiten: May I have the Raigekijin back?  
Morphius: No! Mine!  
Shippo: Oh yeah! Without it, Hiten is wide open!

Shippo jumps and tries to hit Hiten but falls about 20 feet short. Hiten gets extremely irritated by this and electrocutes Shippo with lightning energy from his hand. 

Morphius: Forgot he had that, didn't ya? Didn't ya?  
Shippo: Yeah. . . I guess so. *falls unconscious*  
Hiten: Now then, I want the Raigekijin back and I want it now!  
Morphius: But this is like the coolest weapon in the whole series! Oh all right. *tosses Raigekijin to Hiten* Wait a minute! I'm the author! I can have anything I want! *produces identical Raigekijin from thin air* Cool!  
Jess: Uh Morphius?   
Morphius: Yes?   
Jess: Now that you have the Raigekijin, you don't really need Hiten do you, because you can attack people yourself.   
Hiten: *looks nervously at his lord and master* Uh. . .   
Morphius: True. On the same note, I don't really need you either. *stares off into space like she's plotting something*   
Jess: *senses her time in this fanfic is short if she doesn't shut her mouth* Uh, good point. Just pretend I didn't say anything. . .   
Morphius: Ok. Now, Hiten, punish Jess for defying me and questioning my total authority.   
Jess: But I thought you were going to forget I said anything!  
Morphius: Well. . . I lied. 

Hiten shocks the crap out of Jess. 

Morphius: Don't kill her though. I just brought her back to life and I don't like doing things for nothing. *files nails and whistles* And that's. . . on second thought keep going. *staring at nails* I seriously need a manicure.   
Jess: Stop! I'm begging you! Please! Make it stop! 

Hiten finally stops because he's not supposed to kill Jess. 

Morphius: Nah, screw it. I don't need a manicure. My nails are perfect. *looks up* Sorry Jess, did you say something? 

Jess convulses violently and passes out. 

Morphius: Jess? Honestly, you should have told me to stop or something.  
Jess: Ugh. . .   
Morphius: *kicking Jess* Quit whining. Be thankful I didn't kill you.  
Liz: *on knees looking at sky* Dear God, kill me now.  
Morphius: I'm over here, stupid. And no, I won't kill you, because you wouldn't be suffering and that wouldn't be any fun for me.  
Liz: Oh fuck.  
Morphius: Watch your mouth. If you fucking curse one more fucking time, I will fucking hit you so fucking hard you'll be in fucking pain for the rest of your fucking life.   
Sango: That's ironic.  
Jess: Are you sure? Because it might not be.   
Sango: *bludgeons Jess with the hiraikotsu* Yes. . . *SMACK*. . . I…*SMACK*. . . AM!! *SMACK* 

Jess once again collapses on the ground. 

Sango: Oops. Sorry Morphius.   
Morphius: It's OK.   
Shippo: Hey, Kagome.   
Kagome: Yes Shippo?  
Shippo: What does 'fuck' mean?

Time skids to a halt. Everyone turns to the kawaii kitsune who has just uttered his first ever curse word. The awkward pause continues as no one has any clue how to explain this to him. Everyone shoots a glare at Morphius, who shoots an even eviler glare right back. The Inuyasha gang looks away in terror as they remember who they're dealing with. 

Kagome: Well uh. . .   
Sango: You see. . . it's like this. . .  
Miroku: It's something Miroku'd like to do a bit more often. . . *looks at Sango*  
Sango: *hits Miroku with the hiraikotsu* You pervert!!!  
Miroku: Ow. . .   
Inuyasha: Crap! Morphius! Why did you have to say that?  
Morphius: What? He'd would've picked it up sooner or later, and better sooner than later. Besides, you said it first.   
Inuyasha: What? No I didn't!  
Myouga: *holding copy of the fanfic* She's right, milord. On page 7 section 1 line 29 column 5, you said it for the first time in the entire fanfic.   
Inuyasha: No way! Gimme that! *scans fanfic*   
Liz: Can he read?  
Jess: *glazed look in eyes* Nope. But he's still so hot. . .   
Liz: Oh good God.   
Morphius: *suddenly appearing upon hearing her name* Need something Liz?  
Liz: I said good god, not evil demon child who's writing a fanfic that she's in total control of.   
Morphius: I'll get you for that later, but I have to deal with them first.   
Kagome: Inuyasha?  
Inuyasha: *looking up* What?  
Kagome: You're holding that upside down.  
Inuyasha: Feh. I knew that.   
Miroku: Sure.  
Inuyasha: Do you want me to kill you, you stupid monk?  
Miroku: What a hothead. Perhaps if you groped a girl more often than once every 50 years, you wouldn't be in such a foul mood all the time.   
Inuyasha: *vein throbbing* Grrrrr. . . DIE, YOU PERVERTED SON OF A BITCH!!!

Inuyasha runs around trying to kill Miroku. While this has been going on, Morphius was reading Shippo something off a computer screen. Shippo's eyes widened a bit and he sat there, eyes glazed over, face pale as a ghost. Liz, Sango, and Kagome stop watching the fight and went over to check on Shippo. Jess, however, continued to cheer for her beloved Inu-chan as the battle raged on. 

Sango: *tapping Shippo* Are you OK?  
Liz: What happened to him?  
Morphius: Nothing too devastating. He just learned a little more than he really wanted to know. 

The girls turn around to see Morphius, walking towards them with her laptop under one arm and an amused grin on her face. 

Kagome: You. . . you told him?  
Morphius: Actually, I read it off of here.

Morphius turns on the laptop and opens her electronic dictionary. She types in the word 'fuck' and the girls stare in horrified fascination at the thoroughness of the definition (definition removed to keep it PG-13) and how horrible it must have been for Shippo-chan to hear. 

Kagome: This is awful! Right, Sango?  
Sango: *staring mesmerized at the screen* It's so thorough. *snaps out of it* I mean, yeah! How could you do that to him?   
Morphius: I know. I'm ashamed. This definition's nowhere near as complete as it should be. Doesn't mention its use as an adverb or adjective.

Kagome: That's not what I meant. You scared him half to death. *hugging him* Shippo-chan. . . are you ok?  
Shippo: K-Kagome?  
Kagome: *holding back tears* Yes, Shippo?  
Shippo: Fuck off.

Sango, Kagome, and Liz gasp in horror. 

Liz: What did you say?  
Shippo: Gah! *covers tiny mouth with hands*  
Sango, Kagome, and Liz: Morphius. . .   



	5. Chapter Five: Miroku’s death and Morphiu...

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Standard disclaimer applies. 

*********************************************************************** 

Chapter 5: Miroku's death and Morphius' twisted plot! 

The girls advance on Morphius, who stands her ground. But before Morphius can administer an appropriate punishment, a loud thud is heard. Miroku lands on the ground in between the vicious pack of girls and Morphius. 

Sango: Miroku! 

Everyone rushes to Miroku's side. 

Morphius: *checking pulse* He's. . . dead.   
Kagome: Inuyasha, how could you?  
Inuyasha: That's what he gets. Lousy pervert.  
Liz: Actually, it was probably Morphius who did it.  
Jess: *getting up and standing really close to Inuyasha* Yeah. But still. Miroku was nowhere near as cute as my Inu-chan. 

Inuyasha moves away from Jess. 

Sango: *holding Miroku's corpse in her arms, tears in her eyes* Miroku, I, I can't believe you're dead. The last thing I did was call you a pervert. If I could take it back, I'd. . . oh Miroku! 

Tears run down Sango's cheeks and splash Miroku's face. He opens his eyes, which causes Sango to jump back in surprise. 

Sango: Miroku! You're alive! But. . . *turns to Morphius* You! You tricked me!  
Morphius: *putting away video camera* That was oh so good! *chuckles* The things people say when they think the one they love is dead. 

Sango: The one I. . . why you! 

Sango charges at Morphius. Morphius holds up her hand (Matrix style) and Sango freezes in mid swing. A good look around shows that time has stopped all together. 

Morphius: *walking around and doing things* God, the Matrix was the best movie ever. Oh right, unfreeze. 

Sango's swing misses and she plunges to the ground. Inuyasha mysteriously finds himself hugging Kagome and Shippo is French kissing Miroku. Jess and Liz are in their underwear. Morphius is now up in a tree surveying the events about to occur. 

Morphius: That never gets old. 

A brief silence, then all hell breaks loose. 

Kagome: What do you think you're doing?  
Inuyasha: What am I doing? You're the one that hugged me, you animal!  
Kagome: Sit boy!  
Miroku: Holy shit!! *throws Shippo into a lake*  
Shippo: *gets out and scrubs his face with water* I'll never be clean again!  
Miroku: *throws up* That was sick, Morphius! That was sick!   
Jess and Liz: Ahhh! *desperately throw clothes on*  
Miroku: *notices girls* On second thought. You're wonderful, Morphius! You're wonderful!  
Morphius: Indeed I am.   
Miroku: Hey, Morphius?  
Morphius: *jumping down* Yes?  
Miroku: Can I have that tape?  
Morphius: No. But you can watch it.

Morphius plugs the camera into her computer and pushes play. Miroku stares in fascination as Sango weeps over his dead body, then looks over at the real Sango, who is bright red and wants nothing more than to crawl into a hole and die. 

Sango: Oh fuck. 

Liz covers Shippo's ears. 

Morphius: At least you're not the only one, eh Inuyasha?  
Inuyasha: What. . . what are you talking about?  
Myouga: At the end of episode 10, milord. Surely you remember.  
Inuyasha: Right. And you were the one who told me she was dead!

Inuyasha approaches Myouga menacingly. 

Myouga: Uh. . . *zips away*  
Inuyasha: Bastard ran off!  
Liz: You know you have the cutest ears, Shippo-chan.   
Kagome: What does that have to do with anything?   
Jess: I know. Besides, Inuyasha's ears are much cuter. 

Inuyasha moves farther away. 

Inuyasha: *grabbing Morphius and shaking her* Why? Why did you have to make your sister a frickin' fan girl?  
Morphius: *pulling him off* Because it's fun. Don't worry, she'll eventually do something stupid and get killed off.  
Jess: *dragging him back* Come on, Inu-chan. Don't wander off like that.  
Kagome: Grrrrr. . . Inuyasha. . .   
Inuyasha: Make it soon. Please, make it soon.  
Jess: What were you two talking about?   
Morphius: Nothing. Nothing at all. . . But now that that's all done, what can I put you through next? I need something that's high stress, loud, annoying, and can make money to fill my almost empty wallet.  
Jess: How 'bout a game show?  
Morphius: Perfect! 

Morphius snaps her fingers and they're on the set of a game show. 

Kagome: *eyes sparkly* Wow!  
Shippo: Cool! 

Morphius: Don't get comfy. You'll grow to hate this so fast; your head'll hurt. Now then, here's your host. . . me!   
Inuyasha: *trying to open door* Get me outta here! Get me outta here!  
Morphius: Too late. This is a closed set. There's no way out. The only way you'll be allowed to leave is to win the game.   
Miroku: And in the event we should lose. . . Morphius: *game show voice* You'll be tortured in ways you can't imagine!  
Everyone: *sweat drop*   
Liz: Relax. What do we get if we win?  
Morphius: Then. . . you. . . get to leave without being tortured in ways you can't imagine! So go for the prize! Ahem. Here's how it works. I'll ask you a question, and if you get it right you earn points. Get it wrong and you are punished. At the end of each round, the one with the least points is sent off to be tortured in the way I see fit. So it should be a lotta fun! Now there are 4 different categories of questions *each category lights up on a board as it is spoken*; "Mad Hard"; "Elementary School level"; "What is 2+2?" and other questions that are easy as shit"; and finally "Questions that even Inuyasha can get right"  
Inuyasha: Hey!  
Morphius: *the glare* Shove it. Anyway, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, the easier the question, the fewer points are received and the more punishment is given if someone answers wrong. Now then, we'll start with a quick question to decide who goes first. And the question is. . .   
Voice: Well, well, Inuyasha. . .   
Morphius: Who dares interrupt my game show?   
Naraku: Game show? What is this nonsense? Matters not. I came to kill Inuyasha and his pathetic friends, steal the Shikon shards, and then probably kill you as well, for good measure.   
Morphius: Kill me? You must be joking. They've been trying all day. *jerks head in direction of Inuyasha gang*  
Naraku: You. . . you've defeated Inuyasha?  
Morphius: Uh, yeah. Piece of cake.  
Naraku: Well then, perhaps we can form an alliance and destroy them.   
Morphius: And why should I team up with you?  
Naraku: Because if you don't, I'll kill your sister. *thinking* that keeping a relative hostage thingy works every time.  
Morphius: Go ahead. Knock yourself out.

Naraku grabs Liz and begins to strangle her. 

Naraku: There is still time if you wish to rethink your decision.   
Morphius: No. First of all, that ain't my sister.   
Naraku: *dropping Liz* What?   
Morphius: If you want my sister, she's the idiot in the hat. Oh, and secondly, I hate my sister's guts and nothing would please me, and her, more than if you killed her. But sadly, she's in this fanfic and she'll stay until I say so, are we clear? Now as punishment for storming my set, you will become a contestant.   
Naraku: And why should I, the great demon Naraku, listen to a pathetic human such as yourself?   
Morphius: Simple. One, I'm the author and two, you're only half demon. 

Everyone gasps at this. 

Inuyasha: Aren't you the one always making fun of me 'bout being half demon, you asshole?  
Naraku: *sitting down accepting his fate* I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person.  
Inuyasha: Huh?   
Kagome: He's calling you an idiot.  
Inuyasha: Why you! *leaps at Naraku*  
Miroku: *holding him back* Cool it.   
Sango: Morphius will kill you if she sees you.  
Shippo: Yeah.   
Morphius: And how exactly do you know this? You psychic? In that case, *cracking knuckles* you can predict the punishment I'll give you for dissing me behind my back.  
Everyone: *sweat drop* Ah!   
Morphius: Don't forget, I know all, see all. Bwah ha ha! And now for the show. We'll start with. . .   
Security Guard: Yo Morphius! There's someone here to. . . 

Guard is cut off and suddenly falls over, revealing the dreaded Sesshomaru. 

Morphius: No! Dozer! Damn it, Sesshomaru! If you wanted to make an appointment, you could have just called my secretary.  
Sesshomaru: Be not a fool. I've come to kill you once and for all.  
Morphius: *back to game show voice*And it looks like we have another contestant!   
Sesshomaru: Fuck this. I'm outta here. You cannot force, I, Sesshomaru to stay in the company of these fools.   
Morphius: I can and I will. So let's play. We'll start with Kagome, because she's an annoying whiny bitch.   
Kagome: Hey! Fine! If that's how you want to play, I'll take a "mad hard" question.  
Morphius: Ooh. Mad hard, risky. So here is your question. What is the quadratic formula?  
Kagome: Uh. . .   
Morphius: You learned this last week in school. Come now. Surely you paid attention in math class. . . oh, that's right! You were with Inuyasha in Feudal Japan! However, I'll still need an answer.  
Kagome: Is it. . . a+b=c?  
Morphius: Hey, I ask the questions! But to answer yours, no, you stupid bitch, that's . . . uh. . . something else. Now then, Kagome, you got that wrong. So you will be punished. 

A bomb goes off under Kagome's chair, blasting her into the air. But before she plunges to her death, Kouga, who appears from out of nowhere, catches her. 

Kagome: Uh. . . thanks Kouga.   
Kouga: It was nothing, my love.   
Kagome: *sweat drop*Uhhh. . .   
Inuyasha: *leaping from his chair* I'll kill you!  
Morphius: Will you assholes cut it out and let us get back to the game?   
Kouga: Ooh. A game! Yet another opportunity for me to show up Inuyasha! So how do I get in on this game?  
Morphius: *stroking chin* This is rather unusual. Normally I'd have to force you against your will, dragging you here kicking and screaming, but. . . hell, why not?   
Kouga: Yay!   
Morphius: *snickering* You have no idea what you've just gotten yourself into.

Kouga takes a seat next to Kagome while receiving nasty glares from Inuyasha, who is sitting on the other side of her, thereby making for a high stress situation. Cool.

Morphius: Now then, since Kagome got that wrong, does anyone else wanna try? 

Everyone looks nervous since none of them were very wise in the ways of mathematics, save Kagome. In fact, of the contestants from feudal Japan, only Sango and Miroku could count past 10. 

Morphius: Anyone? Anyone? Ok, guess not. Well the quadratic formula is. . . screw it. You idiots'll never understand the nightmares it can bring. *shiver*. But on with the show. The next question goes to our newest arrival Kouga. Kouga, please choose a category. 

Kouga: I'll take an 'elementary school level' question.   
Morphius: Not bad for someone who probably can't spell elementary. And ironically, that's your question!  
Jess: Are you sure that's. . . *shuts up after receiving glares from Sango and Morphius*   
Morphius: So Kouga, please spell 'elementary' for us.  
Kouga: Easy. L-U-H-M-E-N-T-R-E-E.   
Morphius: *game show voice* That's totally wrong.   
Kouga: But that's how it sounds!   
Morphius: *ignoring him* And it sounds like someone is in for a punishment! Hiten! Come forth! 

Hiten comes and shocks the crap out of Kouga. Kouga twitches for a bit before slumping over in his seat. 


	6. Chapter Six: Unending cruelty! Morphius...

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Standard disclaimer applies! Read on!!! 

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Chapter 6: Unending cruelty! Morphius' diabolical torture continues! 

Morphius: Oops. My bad.   
Kagome: This is sick, Morphius! You're going to kill someone, you demented psycho!  
Morphius: . . .   
Kagome: Huh? W-w-why aren't you saying anything? Come on! Say something! Threaten to kill me or tell me to shut up before you sic something on me! The silence is deafening! 

Morphius says nothing, but continues staring off into space. No, more like glaring off into space. Then suddenly. . . 

Morphius: *coldly* I win.   
Kagome: Huh? 

She turns in her seat and sees Inuyasha looking right back. 

Inuyasha: How do you win?  
Morphius: Simple. You blinked.  
Inuyasha: I so did not blink.   
Morphius: Fine then, we'll forget about your malicious cheating and keep going. 

30 seconds later. . . 

Morphius: You know your brother's trying to steal Tetsusaiga. 

Inuyasha turns to see that Sesshomaru is still in his seat at the opposite end of the row. 

Morphius: Now I win.  
Inuyasha: But. . . but. . . you cheated!   
Morphius: No I didn't.  
Inuyasha: I demand a rematch!   
Morphius: Ok, fine.   
Miroku: Actually, I'd rather continue with this game so we can all go home.   
Everyone: Yeah.  
Kagome: Exactly. So let's forget this childish nonsense and. . . oh god.

Inuyasha and Morphius have resumed their contest and are ignoring everyone else in the room. 

Morphius: Your brother's stealing Tetsusaiga.  
Inuyasha: Oh no you don't! I'm not stupid enough to fall for the same trick twice!  
Morphius: *looking away* Fine, you win, but I'm seriously not kidding. He's actually taking the Tetsusaiga. 

Inuyasha turns to see that Sesshomaru is back in his seat. 

Inuyasha: Ha! I knew you were lying. You dumb bitch! You really thought you could pull a fast one on me? Feh! I knew even the first time you were lying. . . 

While Inuyasha is saying this, Sesshomaru draws Tetsusaiga, which was hidden in that fluffy tail thingy of his. 

Morphius: Naughty Sesshomaru. You know you can't hold Tetsusaiga without being electrocuted.   
Sesshomaru: Wrong, foolish girl! This is a human arm! With it, I can wield Tetsusaiga and kill Inuyasha once and for all! 

Morphius raises the Raigekijin and shocks Sesshomaru. He drops Tetsusaiga and it flies back to Inuyasha. 

Morphius: Hate to say I told ya so.  
Sesshomaru: . . .   
Morphius: On with the game! And so far, no one has been able to correctly answer a question. So sad. But let's see if we can break that streak with our next contestant. . . ok. . . maybe not.  
Miroku: And why is that?   
Morphius: *game show voice* Because fool! Your next question is going to. . . INUYASHA!!  
Inuyasha: I have the feeling that I'm being insulted here.   
Morphius: Don't worry. You are.  
Inuyasha: Ok then. . . hey wait!   
Morphius: Inuyasha, why don't you just choose a category before I torture you some more?  
Inuyasha: I'll take. . . me questions.  
Morphius: Wait. What the fuck?   
Inuyasha: *pointing* That one, the one with my name on it.  
Morphius: I see! Inuyasha can't read anything with the exception of his own name. You're referring to 'questions even you can get right' are you not?   
Inuyasha: Uh. . . yeah. Guess so.   
Morphius: Ok, for like half a point, which would put you into the lead. And your question is this, "What is your name?"   
Inuyasha: Is this a trick question?   
Morphius: No, you dumbass. *sigh* Now then, Inuyasha. All you have to do is say your name. And, oh crap; I've already given you the answer. So now you just have to repeat it back to me. *speaks slowly* Inuyasha. That's your name. For the love of god, just say Inuyasha.  
Inuyasha: I. . . don't know.   
Morphius: O_O Uh. . . Guess we'll have to change the name of that category.

Morphius walks over to the board and crosses out "questions even Inuyasha can get right". She replaces it with "questions that are so fucking easy, but Inuyasha still gets them wrong" Morphius then walks back to her podium. 

Morphius: Now then, since that was so pathetically easy and you got it wrong, I'm gonna torture you right now.   
Inuyasha: Huh?  
Morphius: Your punishment is. . . you must learn to read!

Everyone falls over anime style. 

Miroku: That's your idea of a punishment?  
Kagome: You gotta be kidding me.   
Shippo: Dumbest punishment I ever heard of.   
Naraku: What happened to that arrogant bitter wench from before?   
Sesshomaru: She was at least fun in an evil twisted sort of way.   
Sango: Yeah. Is this some kind of joke?   
Morphius: Nope, and you'll see how diabolical a punishment this really is when you get a good look at the person I picked to tutor him. So let's bring them out now! 

Kikyo steps out of the shadows. 

Inuyasha: O_O K-Kikyo?  
Kagome: Huh?  
Miroku: This is gonna be good.   
Sango: Oh yes.  
Liz: Boy, am I gonna love this!   
Jess: No! Inu-chan!   
Morphius: *in game show voice*That's right! Inuyasha, you get to spend a couple of hours in a dimly lit room with your dead girlfriend teaching you how to read, probably attempting to drag you into the depths of hell between lessons, While this is going on, your living girlfriend will get all bitter and bitchy. 

Kikyo grabs Inuyasha and drags him towards a dimly lit room. 

Inuyasha: *desperately clawing the floor* NO!!! DON'T DO THIS TO ME!!! THIS AIN'T RIGHT! IT JUST AIN'T RIGHT! 

Kikyo is about to pull him in to the door when she falls over, blood gushing from a wound in her chest. Everyone turns to see Jess, holding a smoking revolver. 

Morphius: Holy crap. . .   
Naraku: Hmm. So there is hope for some of you foolish mortals.  
Shippo: Huh? You. . . you killed Kikyo?  
Liz: Jess. . .  
Miroku: Goddamn.   
Sesshomaru: 'Bout time the dead bitch left us the hell alone.   
Sango: *nods* 

Inuyasha runs over to Kikyo as she died. For the second time. 

Inuyasha: KIKYO!!   
Kagome: *vein throbbing* Grrrrr. . . sit boy!

Inuyasha falls to the ground. 

Morphius: Jess, why the hell did you shoot Kikyo?  
Jess: She was getting too close to my Inu-chan.  
Kagome: Your Inu-chan?   
Jess: Yes, you dolt, my Inu-chan. *hugs Inuyasha* And you'll be mine forever and ever and ever and ever, won't you?   
Inuyasha: O_O Uh. . . uh . . .   
Kagome: Grrrrr. . . 

Kagome grabs a shotgun that I keep around for no real reason at all and blows Jess to kingdom come. 

Inuyasha: Whoa.  
Naraku: Such power. I must get hold of one of these killing devices.   
Sesshomaru: *to Morphius* Oy! Human filly! Where is it possible for I, Sesshomaru, to obtain one of these powerful weapons?

He receives no response, but gets a good shock from the Raigekijin. 

Miroku: Inuyasha, she must really care for you if she would be willing to go to such lengths.  
Morphius: Hmm. . . Now we have complete mayhem here, people dying right and left, idiots who still need to learn to read, and evil villains who could pull something any minute now. I like it.   
Shippo: Well I don't! It's not safe here for a kawaii kitsune!  
Morphius: Guess your right about that. Everybody get your ass in a chair before I kill you! You have 5 seconds. 

Everyone immediately runs to their seats except Jess and Kikyo, who are dead on the floor, duh. 

Morphius: That ain't good décor. Smitty! Come hither! 

A janitor runs out onto the set, grabs the corpses, and runs back. 

Morphius: That was Smitty, the caretaker. His job is to deal with shit like this, so he'll just go put those two into their final resting place. 

A wood chipper is started, something is ground up in it, then it is shut off. 

Morphius: Rest in pieces. . . I mean peace. Now, on with our competition. We still have a ton of people who need to be tortured. . . uh. . . who need to take their turn, so let get this show on the road. Our next contestant is. . . Shippo-chan!  
Shippo: Uh oh.  
Morphius: Now then Shippo, pick a category.   
Shippo: I'll take "what is 2+2" and other questions that are easy as. . ."  
Morphius: Ok. . . enough of that. No more profanity from you, Shippo. And here's your question. "What is 3-1?"   
Shippo: Two!  
Morphius: And I'm sorry but that's wr. . . wait. Say that again.   
Shippo: I said the answer is two!   
Morphius: Holy shit! That's correct! Shippo, you earn the first point of the game! 

Confetti pours from the ceiling. Balloons fly into the air and it seems for the first time like a normal game show as opposed to the death trap it really is. Morphius was pondering how the hell Shippo knew that when a little pink thing rolls across the floor. 

Morphius: *picking it up* Ooh gum! Wait, this ain't gum! This is an earpiece! *the glare of doom* Shippo. . .  
Voice from earpiece: Shippo? Did you get the answer? Shippo-chan? Speak to me!   
Morphius: That's Liz! 

Morphius pulls back a curtain to reveal Liz hiding with transmitting equipment. 

Morphius: I was wondering where you went.  
Liz: Oh no.   
Morphius: Liz, you know the punishment for cheating is death.  
Liz: But. . . but. . . *tears welling in eyes* I didn't want you to torture Shippo-chan!! 

Liz bursts into tears. 

Morphius: Your intentions were good; I'll give you that. . .   
Naraku: What the hell is this?   
Miroku: Morphius is going to let her off the hook?   
Sesshomaru: This cannot be.   
Morphius: But I still punish anyone who pisses me off. Farewell, Elizabeth. 

A trapdoor opens beneath Liz and she falls into a pit of spikes. 


	7. Chapter Seven: Enter the Matrix: Inuyash...

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Standard disclaimer applies! Read on!!! 

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Chapter 7: Enter the Matrix: Inuyasha learns to read and Kouga is tortured! 

Morphius: And I guess that's that.   
Miroku: Now that's the Morphius we know and fear.  
Liz: Ow! Help! I've been impaled, but I'm still alive! Ahhh!  
Morphius: Why won't you die? 

Morphius pulls out a .44 magnum and shoots three times down into the pit. The screams stop. 

Morphius: *holsters gun* And that's that.  
Inuyasha: How can you do that, you psycho? This is wrong! No one should be punished like this!  
Morphius: *snaps fingers* Oh silly me. I forgot about your punishment.  
Inuyasha: Huh?  
Morphius: We still didn't teach you how to read! And I've gotten another tutor for you! Come on out! 

Yet another middle school girl, in green pajamas with blond pigtails, runs out onto the stage and hugs Inuyasha. 

Morphius: Amaya, uh, Amaya? Could you please stop canoodling for a second so we can talk?  
Amaya: No, because he's my Inu-chan. Jess, that silly girl, thinking she could have him.  
Kagome: *vein throbbing* Grrrrr. . . 

Morphius, sensing another slaughter, grabs the shotgun off her podium and whacks Kagome over the head with it. Kagome falls over unconscious. 

Morphius: Someone remind me why the hell I picked another deranged fan girl to teach Inuyasha to read.  
Naraku: Simple. It would torture both Inuyasha and his human filly, thereby killing two birds with one stone.   
Morphius: Oh, that's right.   
Inuyasha: *inching away slowly* I'm strongly reminded of Jess.  
Morphius: You shouldn't be. Amaya is much worse.   
Inuyasha: NO!

Amaya drags him into the dimly lit room and shuts the door. 

Morphius: Now then, on with the show. We have seven contestants who are still fighting for the prize of not being killed. So let's carry on with. . . Miroku!   
Shippo: You're dead, monk!   
Morphius: No Shippo-chan, you are. Don't forget it takes two to tango. . . or cheat in this case. . .   
Shippo: O_O You. . . you don't mean what I think you mean?  
Morphius: Yes, I do. Shippo, you are the weakest link. Goodbye.

Morphius pushes a button and Shippo falls too. But instead of loud screams, only the sound of a small fox child being stuck through the head with a spike is heard. 

Morphius: So, Miroku, pick a category.   
Miroku: Hmmm. I will take an 'elementary level question'.   
Morphius: Ok. Here is your question. "If I have three apples, and you ask me for two, how many apples would I have left?"   
Miroku: Simple, you would have one apple.   
Morphius: WRONG!! I would have three apples left because hell would freeze over before I'd share with you! But since your answer was technically correct, I'll ask you another question.  
Kouga: No fair! You didn't give me a second chance!  
Morphius: That's because you spelled elementary with a 'u'!! Moron!   
Kouga: Uhhh. . .   
Morphius: Now Miroku, why don't you take a shot at the question Kouga totally screwed up? Spell 'elementary'.  
Miroku: E-L-E-M-E-N-T-A-R-Y. Elementary.  
Morphius: Correct!   
Kouga: How the hell did he get that right?  
Miroku: Because I'm not an idiot.   
Morphius: Actually, you just read it off of the category board, didn't you? 

Miroku breaks out in a sweat. 

Kouga: Ah hah! You cheated! Death for the monk! Death! Death!  
Morphius: No, because I never said you couldn't read off the board.   
Miroku: Ha! Take that, Kouga!

Miroku does a victory dance. 

Morphius: Cut it out before I change my mind. 

He gets back in his seat. 

Morphius: Now then. . . hell let's end the round now!! I'm sick of this!  
Sango: But not everyone went!   
Morphius: Tough! Now then, Miroku is in the lead with. . . one point. The rest of you have zero, so I'll just pick someone. 

Miroku lets out a loud cough that sounds suspiciously like "Naraku!" Naraku glares at him. Morphius glares at the both of them. 

Morphius: Thanks for the suggestion, but no. I think we'll go with Kouga!!  
Kouga: O_O What! I. . .I can't believe this!! This isn't fair!   
Morphius: You're right. I'm only doing this because you piss me off. Now then, about your punishment. *thinks for a moment* I got it! Yes!   
Kouga: Not more electrocution. . .  
Morphius: Nope, this is worse. Much worse. Trinity! Come forth! 

Trinity steps out in a form-fitting black jumpsuit and walks over to Morphuis' podium. 

Miroku: *gawking* She is hot!  
Sango: *hitting him with the hiraikotsu* You pervert!   
Miroku: Ow.  
Morphius: Trinity. What's up?   
Trinity: Not much. So, you called, Morphius?   
Morphius: Yes, I need you to do me a favor.  
Trinity: Shoot.   
Morphius: Take our little friend down into the basement, and. . . entertain him.   
Trinity: Certainly. Hey, wolf boy. Come with me.  
Kouga: You must be kidding! Like this little wench could. . . 

He is cut off as Trinity karate chops the back of his neck, knocking him out. She grabs his arms and drags him out of the room. 

Kouga: *mumbling* Get away from me! Ah! No! Not the Hamburglar! Not him!   
Miroku: He's afraid of the. . . what?  
Morphius: He said the Hamburglar, the most ass-kicking thief of all time. Always tryin' to steal hamburgers from Ronald. Hence his name. 

Trinity stops dragging the unconscious wolf demon and stops at Miroku's seat. 

Trinity: You know. . . you're kinda cute. 

She kisses Miroku for about 30 seconds before letting go. 

Miroku: *blushing deeply* W-was I just dreaming? Because if I was, I don't wanna wake up.   
Morphius: No, not a dream. Trinity just has a thing for ugly, brainless men.  
Trinity and Miroku: Hey!   
Voice: You whore!

Everyone turns to see Neo walk onto the set. 

Trinity: N-neo?   
Neo: Damn straight, you bitch! How could you do this to me?   
Morphius: This shall be tons of fun.  
Neo: Hey, you! This is your doing, isn't it?  
Morphius: Huh? You talking to me?  
Neo: Yeah, I am. Now, who are you and what kind of twisted operation are you running here?  
Miroku: This is Morphius.  
Sango: And it's her job to make our lives a living hell.  
Neo: You're not Morphius.  
Morphius: Yes I am.  
Neo: No you're not. Morphius was a black guy with a gap between his teeth. You're just some high school kid.  
Morphius: That's a different Morphius. And if you keep this up, I'll kick your ass.  
Neo: No you won't, cuz I know kung fu.  
Morphius: Actually, you don't.   
Neo: Yes I do.  
Morphius: Then prove it. 

Neo runs in and kicks Morphius square in the stomach. She flies back and crashes into the wall. 

Neo: And that's that.   
Morphius: *slowly getting up* You're kidding. . . right? You actually thought I could be defeated so easily?   
Neo: That attack should have finished you!  
Morphius: Woulda, coulda, shoulda. All that matters is now I'm gonna kick your ass.

She throws a punch that Neo blocks an inch from his face. 

Neo: What was that? You didn't even hit me! That was the girliest… 

He was cut short as a spinning hook kick hit him right in the jaw. His head jerks violently and he falls to the ground. Blood gushes from his lip. 

Morphius: Tae kwon do can beat kung fu's ass down any day of the week.  
Neo: What. . . what are you?  
Morphius: I'm just the author.  
Neo: You're the author?   
Morphius: Uh, yeah. I control this whole story.   
Neo: Whoa.   
Sesshomaru: Can we get back to the game show?   
Miroku: Yes. I'd much like to finish this.   
Morphius: Very well. Neo. You and Trinity go torture wolf boy. Maybe then the two of you'll kiss and make up. 

Trinity and Neo drag Kouga out of the room and down the basement stairs. A loud thud is heard as Kouga's head hits each stair. 

Morphius: Back to our game. Now we have four contestants left.  
Kagome *sits up and rubs her head*: Ugh. Where am I?   
Morphius: My mistake. We have five people remaining. So our next question will go to. . . Naraku.  
Naraku: About time. I will take a " questions that are so fucking easy, but Inuyasha still gets them wrong" question.  
Morphius: If you get this correct, you will be in second place.  
Naraku: A mere second?  
Morphius: Yeah. Miroku'll be in first.   
Naraku: Not for long. Kukuku.   
Morphius: Try anything on him and you're dead.   
Naraku: Like you could stop me.   
Morphius: I could, but we really have to get to this moving. For ½ a point and 2nd place, answer the slightly harder question, "What is my name?"  
Naraku: Pardon?   
Morphius: What is my name? Come now, you should know this. I've been making your life a living hell for the past twelve pages. I've been called by name eight times. I have a nametag on.

Zoom in on nametag. 

Naraku: Uh. . .   
Morphius: Oh and time is up. The correct answer is Morphius. Good god, you half demons are retards.   
Inuyasha: Hey!

Inuyasha comes out of the dimly lit room a changed man. Amaya doesn't come out of the room at all. Blood trickles from underneath the door. 

Miroku: Inuyasha, what happened to your tutor?  
Inuyasha: I. . . uh. . .   
Morphius: It doesn't matter. I've never liked her anyhow. So, Inuyasha, you learn anything?  
Inuyasha: Sure did.

He hands Morphius a piece of paper. 

Morphius: *reading it* DyE MOrFeEuS u SiK fReEk. I hOp u cHoK 2 Deth aNd roT in hELL 4evur. fRuM, Inuyasha. *folds letter up and puts it in pocket* Not bad. Though I'm not a fan of the content and you can't spell to save your soul, it's a start. At least you got your name right. Tell me, Inuyasha. She didn't teach you anything, did she?  
Inuyasha: No, not really.  
Morphius: I surmised as much. But since you're out of the game, you can just go sit in the audience.  
Inuyasha: What? No fair!  
Morphius: Look at it this way Inuyasha. I could a) continue torturing you with something worse than last time, or b) you can do as I say and watch the suffering of others.   
Inuyasha: *sitting in the audience* Hell. Why not? Uh. . . where did Kouga go?   
Morphius: He's getting tortured in the basement. Feel free to go watch. 

Inuyasha goes downstairs. 


	8. Chapter Eight: Closing time! The fanfic...

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This is it! Standard disclaimer applies! 

*********************************************************************** 

Chapter 8: Closing time! The fanfic comes to an end! 

Morphius: Ok, moving on. And our next question goes to. . .   
Inuyasha: Ah!!!!!!

Inuyasha flies back up the stairs green in the face. 

Morphius: Now what?   
Inuyasha: *pointing downstairs* They're. . . they're. . .   
Morphius: They're making out again, aren't they? *sigh*

She walks to the door. 

Morphius: Hey! Get a room! That's. . . not my basement. . . 

She runs down the stairs and runs back up dragging Kouga. Trinity and Neo follow. 

Morphius: All right. You two go home and. . . do whatever the hell you want. I don't care. Neo, put your damn shirt on. 

Neo and Trinity leave. 

Morphius: Now what? We don't have anyone to torture Kouga.  
Inuyasha: I'll do it.   
Morphius: Nah. We need an expert for this. Plus you still have to learn to read.  
Inuyasha: Damn!   
Morphius: Kagome, you wanna teach him?  
Kagome: Uh. . . I don't know.  
Morphius: It's either that or possible torture from me.   
Kagome: *tugging on Inuyasha's shirt* Let's go.  
Inuyasha: But, but.   
Morphius: Listen to me. Like it or not, you're learning to read. And at least she ain't a fan girl.  
Inuyasha: Come on. We're outta here. 

They run into the dimly lit room and lock the door behind them. 

Morphius: That's better. Now then. . . about Kouga. . . I got it. Tank! Come here! 

Tank runs out onto the stage. 

Morphius: Take him and hook him up to the Matrix. Use these. 

She hands Tank two programs on disks. 

Tank: Let's see. We got "Inuyasha and Kagome" and "The Hamburglar". This is your idea of punishment? Damn, you're losing your touch. I got a "Medieval torture" program lying around somewhere.   
Morphius: Trust me. These are much worse. But if you can, throw that in.   
Tank: You got it. 

Tank drags Kouga into another dimly lit room next to Inuyasha and Kagome's. 

Morphius: Now that that's over, let's continue. I think our next question will go to. . . wait!  
Sango: What?  
Morphius: It appears, that in light of all that happened; I forgot to torture Naraku.   
Naraku: Very well. Give me your worst.  
Morphius: You'll rue saying those words. Remember, I know your worst fear.   
Naraku: Impossible. You lie.  
Morphius: No, I don't. So bring out our torturer. 

A small kitten bounds onto the stage. 

Naraku: O_O But how did you. . .   
Morphius: *in a creepy British accent* I know all your secrets.  
Miroku: You're joking!  
Sango: Naraku's afraid of kittens?   
Sesshomaru: *eyes darting* Get it away from me.  
Miroku: Not you too. 

Sango and Miroku burst out laughing. 

Sesshomaru: Ahhh! 

He runs into the basement. Naraku follows him and shuts the door. Morphius walks over and locks it. 

Morphius: They do know that's where we keep the kittens, don't they? 

Loud screams emit from the basement as well as pounding on the door. 

Morphius: Well, they do now. So now then. . . I'm sick of this game. Miroku wins!   
Miroku: I do?   
Morphius: Yes. You do. 

Balloons and confetti rain from the sky as Miroku does a frightening victory dance. Kagome and Inuyasha come out to see what's going on. 

Inuyasha: What the hell?   
Miroku: I won! I won!  
Inuyasha: Feh. I coulda won too, ya know.   
Kagome: Calm down, Inuyasha. You should be happy for him.   
Inuyasha: No I shouldn't. And you can't make me!  
Kagome: Sit boy! 

Inuyasha falls to the ground. 

Inuyasha: Ow.  
Morphius: Settle down. Settle down. Now then, Sango, as the loser for that round, you must be punished.   
Sango: What? But I never even got to go!   
Morphius: Tough. And I know the perfect punishment too. Sango, you must go out on a date with Miroku!   
Sango: No!!!  
Miroku: Yeah! This is the best prize ever!   
Morphius: So you two have fun. 

Miroku drags a green-faced Sango out the door. 

Inuyasha: Five bucks says Miroku comes back black and blue.  
Morphius: You're on. So, game show's over, Sesshomaru and Naraku are locked in the basement forever, and Kouga is. . . 

A loud scream is heard from Kouga's room. 

Kouga: Keep your hands of my woman! Ahhh! Get away from me!   
Kagome: What's going on in there? What are you doing to him?  
Morphius: Judging by the screams, he's watching a video of you and Inuyasha kissing while being subjected to medieval torture by the Hamburglar.  
Inuyasha and Kagome: O_O  
Morphius: Don't worry; I taped it off the show. I forget which episode. Now then, I guess everyone's accounted for. . .   
Voice: Wait! 

Shippo walks onto the set, bruised and bleeding 

Inuyasha: How come you're still alive?  
Shippo: Simple. 

He pulls out a tape recorder and pushes play. The sound of a small fox child being stuck through the head with a spike is heard. 

Kagome: Wow, Shippo-chan. Very clever.  
Morphius: Not really. Foolish boy, had you been thinking sensibly, you wouldn't have come back here at all!   
Kagome: Hey, she's right. Shippo-chan, you're an idiot.   
Shippo: That's not nice.  
Morphius: Well, in case you haven't noticed, we're not very nice people. 

Her hand inches towards another button when Kouga staggers from the room. Tank follows, keeping him upright. 

Morphius: *ignoring button* How'd it go?   
Tank: Good. I managed to combine the three programs and you were right. He took to them quite well. *snickers*   
Morphius: You did a fine job, Tank.   
Tank: Thank you. 

He leaves. 

Morphius: So Kouga, did you have fun?  
Kouga: *breathing heavily* Are you insane?  
Morphius: Only when I forget to take my pills, but continue.  
Kouga: It was. . . horrible. I had to watch dog turd kissing my woman over and over again. Then I was strapped to a table and beaten until my kidneys bled. And guess who was beating me?   
Shippo: Who?   
Kouga: The Hamburglar!! The Hamburglar!  
Morphius: Hmm. Shippo! Come here!

She whispers something in Shippo's ear. Shippo listens for a second, nods, and walks off stage. No one notices his absence. 

Inuyasha: If only I had been there to see it. That would've been so. . .   
Morphius: *fake shock* Oh my god! What the hell is that!

Shippo, disguised as the Hamburglar, runs out onto the stage. Although the "Hamburglar" sports a furry foxtail, the phony thief receives a loud girlish scream from Kouga. 

Shippo: *in flat dull tone* Gobble gobble.  
Morphius: You idiot! It's 'robble robble'!   
Shippo: Oops. I mean. . . robble robble! 

In spite of this poor performance, Kouga runs and cowers behind a chair in terror. 

Kouga: Mommy. 

Inuyasha, unable to contain himself, rolls on the ground with laughter. Kagome and Shippo burst out laughing, and even the fairly unemotional Morphius snickers while filming the entire incident for Sango and Miroku to see. 

Morphius: Enough. 

Shippo turns back into his real form and laughs like crazy.   
Kouga: You little raccoon!! 

He chases Shippo off stage. 

Morphius: So. . . I guess this is it.   
Kagome: You can't mean what I think you mean.   
Inuyasha: She's going to do it!  
Kouga: *holding Shippo in headlock* Do what?   
Shippo: She's gonna end the fic, stupid! Could. . . could you please get off my head? 

Kouga drops Shippo onto the ground. 

Shippo: Ow.  
Morphius: But first we have to see what happens to Miroku and Sango. 

At that very moment, Miroku and Sango walk in. Miroku, as anticipated, is black and blue. 

Inuyasha: I win. . . hey! Where'd she go? 

Everyone looks around to see Morphius is gone. The set has vanished and the entire cast is in shock as they wake up and find themselves lying in the clearing where they had that first fight. Sesshomaru, Kouga, and Naraku are gone and it's as if none of it ever happened. 

Kagome: Was all that. . . real?  
Miroku: *gazing at stars* I don't know. I honestly don't know. 

THE END 

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So what'd ya think? Well fear not, my loyal followers. More to come. Later. 

Your Supreme Lord and Master,  
Morphius 


	9. To my fans all three of you

For all y'all who are deeply saddened by the end of this fic, I have not one... not two... not three... wait, yeah, all right, it's three, sequels that I've already writtened and needed only to post. Some of them are for other shows, like YYH and Rurouni Kenshin, but they're good. So read them... as soon as I put them up anyway. Oh and I got rid of some of the mistakes in previous chapters. Damn perfectionism... anywho... Ciao! 

Your Supreme Lord and Master,  
Morphius. 

Oh... and 

Special thanks to everyone who reviewed!  
CrystalKagome1  
Risu-chan  
Ivory Greed (who might I add, was the only one not too lazy to sign it. what's wrong with you, IG? Non-slacker. Kidding. Kidding. ^_^. Or am I? *shifty eyes*) 


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